


Everything

by NicoAndTheNineGalaxies



Series: Everything Falls Apart (Or, A Story In Three Parts, With No Specific Order) [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Cemetery, Feel free to hate me, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, honestly this is just sad, i feed off of angst so here you go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 11:44:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16786312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicoAndTheNineGalaxies/pseuds/NicoAndTheNineGalaxies
Summary: This is a story written in three parts.The first is Everything.  He was Everything.  Key word: was.It was perfect, wasn’t it?  Just...lovely.  Written in the stars.  Destiny, fate, whatever you wanted to call it.It would’ve been perfect if they weren’t walking to the cemetery.“I’m not a hero.  I know that.  I’ve always known it.  If I was a hero, m-maybe I could’ve saved you.”





	Everything

The dreamer and the liar.

It was perfect, wasn’t it? Just...lovely. Written in the stars. Destiny, fate, whatever you wanted to call it.

It would’ve been perfect if they weren’t walking to the cemetery.

The dreamer placed a gentle hand on the liar’s chest when they reached the gate, ivy-ridden, rusted, the fence lined with bushes and...and flowers. Beautiful ones in all sorts of beautiful colors - blues, yellows, oranges, purples. Vibrant and alive, a stark contrast to what they surrounded. 

“I’ll be okay by myself,” the dreamer whispered.

The liar grabbed his hand. “No, I’m going with y - “

_ “Dee,” _ the dreamer interrupted, his voice sharp and strained. “I’m doing this alone. You can’t stop me.”

The liar - Dee - relaxed, ever so slightly, and released the dreamer’s hand. “Don’t take too long.”

“It’s been nine years,” the dreamer reminded him. “If I was still torn up about it, I’m not sure I’d even be able to come here.”

Dee just nodded, and the dreamer pushed open the gate, walking along the familiar cracked-stone path. His feet naturally carried him to exactly where he wanted to go - or didn’t want to go. He was undecided.

In truth, he wasn’t quite sure how he  _ was _ able to come here.

He stood in front of the grave, shuffling his feet almost awkwardly. “Hey,” he began hesitantly. “It’s, uh...it’s me again. It’s Roman.”

His own name tasted bitter on his tongue, numbing his lips.

“Look, I - I know I haven’t said anything directed toward you, wherever you are, since the day of the funeral. I’m sorry. I couldn’t. But it’s been nine years now,  _ nine years, _ and you deserve to hear more than what I told you then.

“I know what your last words were. At least, the last words anyone heard. I can barely even say my own name or say those words anymore, and do you know how hard that is? I’m married, and I can’t even tell my own husband that I love him, at least most of the time.”

He could almost hear what  _ he _ would say, were he still here.

_ Maybe you just don’t love him. _

_ Do you? _

Roman chuckled, though there was no humor behind it. “I don’t know, darling.”

The pet name slipped off of his tongue inadvertently, a pet name perfectly formed to fall from his lips whenever he talked to  _ him, _ a pet name formed through daydreams and nothing else. No real experiences, no real-life conversations. Just daydreams.

He was a dreamer, after all.

“I don’t know,” Roman repeated. “I don’t know if I love him. I’m not sure if I  _ can _ love him. I’m not sure if I ever loved anyone, but if I did, it was you. For whatever reason, I - you were so important to me. You were everything.”

_ Like you could set aside your ego long enough to compliment someone. _

“I can!” Roman snapped defensively. “I’m not a hero. I know that. I’ve always known it. If I was a hero, m-maybe I could’ve saved you.”

_ No one could’ve saved me. _

“But I  _ should _ have,” Roman insisted desperately. “I should’ve seen it. I should’ve been there.”

He hesitated for a while, a question lingering in his mind.

“Did...did you really tell Patton that? Did you really tell him you loved me? And that...that you thought I didn’t care?

“Because, trust me, if you’d told me, I could’ve told you the truth. I  _ should _ have told you the truth. I’ve spent these last nine years completely and utterly blaming myself. I’ve spent these last nine years seeking comfort in the very person that made you that way, that drove you to do everything you did, because he’s the only thing that reminds me of you enough to comfort me when things get hard again. I’ve spent these last nine years tearing myself apart and wondering how you got hurt so badly and I didn’t notice. You were always great at hiding those things, huh?” With another soft chuckle, he wiped away the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes.

“I’m not going to cry. I swear. It’s been nine years, and I’ve spent these last nine years unable to get over it, to get over you, to get over finding you like that...why didn’t you tell me? God...please, please,  _ please _ can we just go back? Can we go back to sixteen years ago so I can meet you all over again and not make all the mistakes of trying to cast you out, to push you away? Can we go back to sixteen years ago so I can meet you all over again and just tell you outright that you were - and still are - the love of my life? Can we go back to fourteen years ago when Patton thought Dee would be a fantastic addition to our little group? Can we go back to twelve years ago when he turned on you? And can we please go back to ten years ago when I realized how much I cared about you?

“I’m not mad that you didn’t tell us. I’m not mad that you fell for his tricks. I’m not even mad that I had to find out all of this over the phone, from Patton instead of you, and I’m not even mad that he was crying so hard he could barely get the words out. I’m not mad at you...if I’m mad at anyone, it’s myself.

“Everyday, I hate myself, because you were so, so amazing, so beautiful, so painfully  _ you, _ and I miss it so much. And I hate myself for waking up next to Dee and not hating  _ him _ instead. I hate myself because he did this to you, and I knew everything, and he still somehow managed to draw me in. And I hate myself because...because contrary to all the fronts I put up, I’m nowhere near strong enough to get away.”

“Roman?”

Roman winced at hearing his own name, and Dee must’ve realized his mistake.

“Sorry, sorry, I know. You’ve been in there for a while...is everything okay?”

“I’m fine,” Roman called back, forcing his voice to remain steady. Forcing everything down.

It reminded him painfully of, well... _ him. _

“Just be patient,” Roman continued after a moment. “I won’t be much longer.”

Dee  _ (that liar that snake I can’t believe you’re with him and after everything he did to me and after I died and after what you said on the day of the funeral and - )  _ didn’t reply.

Roman  _ (Patton I - I love Roman oh my god I never loved Dee how could I love him after everything he’s done  _ _ I could never love Dee but I think I love Roman  _ _ so can you - can you tell him I’m sorry please _

**_No kiddo don’t go don’t hang up please don’t do this - )_** turned back to the grave.

“So, yeah,” Roman continued lamely. “I’m not - I’m not quite sure, but I think I might’ve felt the same way about you. And it completely tore me apart to go to your house and find you there, and - and I hated seeing you like that. I hated that I couldn’t get there in time, I hated that he hurt you so badly, I hated that I didn’t see it, and I hated that you - you killed yourself. You thought that none of us cared? Even Logan was trying not to cry at the funeral.  _ Logan.  _ He never cries.  And Patton? He was literally sobbing. That’s the only time I’ve ever seen either of them broken like that…” His voice slowly trailed off, and then he added quietly, “and I’ve never  _ been _ broken like that.

“Why did you do it?”

He tried as hard as he could, but Roman had no clue what the answer would be, if  _ he _ were actually here.

And...he never would know. He’d never get an explanation.

The gate creaked, and through the rows of bushes and graves, Roman just caught a glimpse of Dee striding throught the cemetery.

Roman stepped forward, brushing a finger over the engraved words on the headstone.

A few words, birthday and the day he died, and...and a name that he missed hearing, a name that belonged to a face he missed seeing.

“I have to wrap this up, I guess,” Roman whispered, hoping Dee wasn’t close enough to hear him sounding so sad when he’d  _ promised _ he wasn’t torn up, to hear him saying the words he’d thought would remain unsaid...but to a dead person instead of his own husband.

“I love you, Virgil. Please don’t forget that.”

Dee appeared behind him, and Roman pulled his hand from the headstone.

“Ready to go?” Dee asked. He reached out a hand for Roman to take, gold-and-green wedding ring shining proudly.

_ Would’ve looked better in black and purple, _ Roman thought, and the thought tasted bittersweet, just like the lump in his throat that stopped him from replying.

But he intertwined his fingers with his husband’s, and together they walked out of the graveyard.

The liar placed a gentle hand on the dreamer’s chest when they reached the gate, ivy-ridden, rusted, the fence lined with bushes and...and flowers. Beautiful ones in all sorts of beautiful colors - blues, yellows, oranges, purples. Vibrant and alive, a stark contrast to what they surrounded, and to the dreamer that was leaving.

“Is everything alright?”

The dreamer cast an almost longing gaze back at the graveyard before forcing a smile and a nod, pulling the liar’s hand away from his chest and pulling him along, back on the familiar path home.

The dreamer and the liar.

No.

To a dreamer, anything can be something else. Anything can be everything.

And everything, to the dreamer, was his dark angel.

So he lost himself in a daydream once more, let himself imagine things as something other than what they were.

The dreamer and the dark angel.

Now  _ that _ really would’ve been perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> Keep an eye out for the second part.  
> I'm sorry. I needed to write something angsty, and this was the result.  
> Go ahead and hate me.  
> Galaxy ||-//


End file.
